The Untouchables

 

How did we get to this point?  How did we get to single in our late 30’s?  We look after ourselves, keep fit, are at the very least reasonably attractive..  We’re funny, creative, intelligent, ambitious, successful.

What happens?!  Do these sought after traits in your 20’s and early 30’s become something else, something a little scary or daunting at our age?  HAVE WE BECOME THE UNTOUCHABLES?

Finding a man at this age does indeed feel like going for jobs that you are over-qualified for in that even though you need the job, you want the job, heck you’re even dreaming about the job, something about you just seems to omit a fragrance of desperation.

How can you be single?  I get asked this.  It’s not that I’m too picky or have exceptionally high standards.  By contrast I’m very easily pleased.  In fact the reason that I sit here single today is that I have been too trusting and too easily pleased and spent too long in the wrong relationship, with the wrong man.  Singledom to me is freedom, empowerment and self-love.

So today is therefore a day of Celebration – Valentines Day!  For us forever singles let’s treat it like a birthday, a day to acknowledge how fabulous we are and recognise that for ourselves.  We’re not over-qualified, we’re well experienced!  We’re not lonely without a lover, we’re grateful to not be with the wrong one!  The plus side to this knowledge is being able to recognise when to run as fast as humanly possible from bad sex and not go back.

Which leads to this little gem shared by a member of the elusive Cunt Session Circle, a perfect example of run the fuck away and never look back.

 

“The initial chat was great and yes I was totally flattered that a 31 year old was paying me some attention.  I also quite honestly liked the sound of a man that could cook…for me.  His choice of profile photos told me he was a man with an ego and so did his chat.  The banter was great.

We arranged to meet at a bar in the city and he was waiting outside.  I was disappointed, Tinder photos can be deceiving. 

I knocked back the wines and thought fuck it, it’s only one night I don’t intend to talk to him again, so we went back to his house.  He cooked me goulash adding fake plastic cheese after earlier shaking his head when I ordered calamari at the bar, insisting I should have checked with him first.

He had promised me great things and all I got was limp dick and bad cunnilingus.

My alarm woke me at 6am and I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. He kept shoving his cock at me while I dressed in a hurry.  Keep dreaming sunshine.

I decided I would try and ghost him until he fucked right off as I’d shared my personal number with him.   He made it so easy…. “

 

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LET’S TALK COCK

Penises and what we REALLY think about them.  We all know that size does indeed matter, but what a lot of men seem to miss is that we are so very holistic as women and it’s not all about length.  When we talk cock, we talk about girth a lot, we talk about angles and bends, we talk about circumsized and not circumsized, most importantly we talk about how men wield their penises, that is, by far, the single most important factor.

We judge.  We do.  

The Micropenis

I am so sorry, but this is just not good for ladies.  You need to make sure your finger and tongue game is beyond amazing to have a positive sexual experience with a woman.  Most importantly, please don’t apologise – we know it’s not your fault.

The Small Penis

Same as above.  We will tell our girlfriends even if we say we won’t.

The Small but Girthy

This can possibly work, not ideal, but always better than small and inconsequential.

The Regular

We love you! You receive no judgement from us.  More often than not your sex game is at a higher level than Large Cock owners and you are pleasing and completely satisfying.

The Large

Yup.  You’re good.

The Oh Hell That’s Big

You too are good.  However you are in the bracket of judgement.  You see, if you rely solely on your cock for our pleasure, well….  That’s not enough.  It’s really important you can please women and get them to a point of super turned on so that riding your Oh Hell That’s Big penis is an enjoyable and memorable experience.  

We will tell our girlfriends about you.

The Monster Cock

You don’t come about often.  When we do have an encounter with a Monster Cock the first initial reaction is sheer terror, followed by astonishment, curiosity and then excitement.   This excitement is carried with a dubious expression on your face as you immediately wake up to the reality that there are only two ways this will go – fucking blow your mind fabulous or deeply disappointing.  The problem with a Monster Cock is that these fellows may have gone about their entire sexual life without ever exploring more than said cock, for some reason the ego that can come attached to a Monster Cock seems to completely obliterate any idea of all else that can be explored and shared sexually.  On the other hand, a sexually aware and giving Monster Cock is an experience we will remember and relive for a lifetime.

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Which brings me to tinder date #2… Super Monster Cock.

Thinking back, I should have been worried from the moment we started text fighting before we had even met.  What should have been a simple conversation nailing down the when and where of our hook up somehow got completely twisted and fired up over the miscommunication of our words.  Unfortunately this didn’t set any alarm bells ringing for me, quite the opposite in fact – I couldn’t wait to meet the person who had riled me up in a matter of seconds.  Hindsight is a glorious thing isn’t it.

So we meet at his house and start watching a movie, he’s hot like haaawt goddam, so I’m thinking this was a great idea and we have a little laugh about our earlier snarky argument.

We slowly move closer towards each other on the couch until his arm is casually wrapped around my shoulder and his fingers are lightly grazing over my cleavage.  My arm is resting on his thigh and with one subtle yet deliberate movement #2 tilts his pelvis towards me and even with my arm on his thigh it has become very apparent that I have here sitting beside me one of the elusive Monster Cocks.

Being an older man I figure he’s been around long enough to not be one of the bad in bed Monster Cock varieties, though within mere seconds I begin to have my doubts.  As he goes in for a fuller fondle of my boobs he swiftly pulls out his e-nor-mous member and thlop there it is laying on his lap like an uninvited guest.   And that, dear friends was the end of foreplay.  Unfortunately for me, #2 seemed to think that the sight of Monster Cock is all a woman needs, we proceed to the bedroom where I challenge myself to a blow job and come up laughing and feeling quite impressed with myself, he unceremoniously gets right down to business and puts a condom on and leans over me on the bed.  I’m quite perplexed at this stage as the last time he touched me was a fondle of my breasts through my clothes…yup, I’ve landed a Monster Cock No Idea How To Please A Woman, what a grand ol shame.

I suggest to #2 with not just my body but also my words that a little more foreplay is probably needed to which Monster Cock gratiously holds his giant penis in front of my face because of course, all a girl needs to get off is a giant cock and nothing else.

Now I’m a bit too old for politeness in these circumstances so I start laughing which he must have mistaken for meaning ‘yup all ready now!!’ so I now have to extract myself from beneath him as I hear myself saying -this is absolutely terrible and I think I’d prefer you just make me a drink instead.

I must say,  it was one of the finest G&T’s I’ve had in awhile.

The Journey Begins

THE CUNT SESSIONS

 

 

Laughing with a girlfriend I recount my encounter with x last Monday.  How he talked a big game but when it came to playing it out, the passion that was there in our text exchanges seemed to have evaporated into a thin plume much alike the incense I was burning.  But the fact that he was as handsome as handsome comes, and just to have him stand in my kitchen in his strong, majestic and naked glory was well worth the effort after all.  He is beautiful, a tall dark and well groomed 32 year old, just moved back to New Zealand a week and a half ago, with time to burn with a 37 year old single mother of three during school hours.

The sex was mediocre, without my ego getting ahead of me I’m one hundred percent sure that it was a far more exciting experience for him than it was for me.

I’ve come to find that you know if the passion and connection is going to be between you and your date from the first kiss.  It’s either spine tingling and the world around you falls away, or, like with x, you find yourself thinking things like ‘his mouth doesn’t seem to open very wide’.

I show my girlfriend photo’s of him in a prelude to telling her that his deepest fantasy is to be ‘pegged’ ie be fucked up the ass by a chick with a strap on dildo.  When he asked me if I’d ever done this, I laughed and said as much as I’m down for giving pretty much anything a go, I’m pretty sure I would laugh a LOT, he didn’t think this would be appropriate..

We call these girlfriend catch ups The Cunt Sessions.  Where we can talk about all things cunt.  Men, penises, love, children, menstruation, menopause, fantasies, desires, relationships.  It’s a place of the ultimate Cone Of Silence and what is discussed in the Cunt Sessions is lock down, private, only between us frank discussions.  Every lady has her Cunt Session Circle but most would likely name it something far less ‘offensive’, but us, well, we love the cunt, we love our cunts, and our name comes from a place of deepest respect.

 x was my 4th tinder date and it’s given me and my girlfriends the urge to share our stories of dating in your late thirties.  I’m actually contemplating needing a disclaimer from here on in that states that I’m writing a book and that while I will keep you completely anonymous, I will indeed be sharing our experiences.  It’s been hilarious.

Between you and me (this is, afterall, a Cunt Session and therefore Cone of Silence applies and therefore I’m going to be completely raw, honest and open in all that I share here), I’m so happy that it’s so easy to have sex and get laid now that we have all these different social media platforms to meet people on.

Given that pretty much all of us feel a helluva lot more confident behind a profile and a screen it means that you can match with people you would never think to approach were you to meet in everyday real life.  Being able to choose, crop and edit any photo that you share, being able to have as long a pause before answering a question as you wish, it is absolutely a great way to put your best foot forward and present to a person yourself in any angle you choose to portray.  Of course the flip side of this is meeting people like x who put forward an alluring and sexy confidence that doesn’t quite meet up to their real life persona.  To be clear, I don’t think badly of x in anyway, he’s a great guy and I love how sexy he is through our online communications, maybe it’s not even him not living up to his words, maybe it’s just that we don’t have that chemistry that makes things amazing, or maybe I’m a little intimidating, or maybe I shouldn’t be so judgey after just one hook up, actually maybe it’s me and I’m mental in that I can completely let go and have as passionate as I can make the sweat drip off me sex the first time I sleep with someone.  Or maybe Mr I Really Want It Up The Ass is actually a little bit gay.

Yeah age is just a number…You’ll be fine.  Fuck lots of young dudes like me and yoga and you’ll feel 21 in no time                         –   ‘x’ 2018