There are many different types of shags. As you get older, wiser, more experienced, you start to be able to differentiate pretty quickly. I’m not talking positions, I’m talking about them feels which can make or break a good shag, regardless of how great either of you are in the sack, these feels make up the goodness of the type of sexual connection you will have.
In no particular order:
THE DISINTERSTED
One of you has lost your zest for sex. Strangely this doesn’t affect your want to have sex, but once you’re past the fore play it’s pretty much a dead zone as the other party or yourself has pretty much left the room already and is just going through the perfunctory actions of. This is one of the worst shag types. Why bother.
THE MALE MOANER
This affects even the greatest sex. You’re wild, he may have just gone down on you like your the worlds tastiest all you can eat buffet but as soon as he enters you he omits with each thrust a high pitched almost feminine moan. Not good. We want the masculinity. Moaning is great and you probably only know this one if you’ve unfortunately experienced it, but that little feminine moan kills all your desire no matter how great he weilds his member, one word – unfortunate.
THE WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM
This is when you end up in bed with someone and you’re not even sure if there’s any chemistry and all of a sudden you’re naked and the fireworks and passion throws you into orgasm overdrive. Often only experienced with unavailables.
THE ALL SIGNS POINTED TO YES
But once you get intimate, it’s a no.
THE PAST LIVES ONE
When you don’t know the other partner from Adam, the most unlikely of likely unions, the how did we end up here getting naked together, the who even are you, and all of a sudden you are making sweet love like you’ve shared intimacies for a lifetime and know exactly what works for each other.
THE SUPER NOVA
You have never cum like this before in your life.
THE TOO EAGER
The vibe is great, the passion is there, the chemistry is rocking, everything is going perfect you know great sex is in the room and you’re welcoming the night and then it’s over, in less than 3 minutes. Such a shame.
THE BORING
No matter how inventive or gymnastically fantastical you get, twisting yourself into positions never dreamt up before, it’s just flat, you’re deadlining. If you orgasm with one of these, you have faked it.
THE ESSENTIAL
This one comes about whether dating or in a long term dalliance. It’s when it’s barely about the sex, it’s a primal need to get physical and you almost disregard each other as you ride your way to your own individual satisfaction. Quite like this one to be honest.
THE SENSUAL
Love this one. It’s slow, intimate, beautiful. It’s giving, sharing and eye-locking. It’s passion from the moment you first touch.
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
No emotions here. This is straight fucking, okay if that’s a mutual thing but can oft leave you feeling slightly used and like this person is only looking after their own needs.
THE RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF
Come on, we all love it.
THE MIND IS ELSEWHERE ONE
You can’t make eye contact, you’re just not connecting. It can be amazing, beautiful even, but when you open your eyes your partner is looking into the corner of the room and not at all at you and so your mind spins into overdrive of how you can you not be fully focused on me and voila the vibe is lost.
THE EVERYDAY NOTHING FANCY
Something sexy as hell about this one. Otherwise known as the quickee. You both know what you’re doing and the end game is both getting off, not making any records as to what and how you get there. Super intimate, don’t confuse with boring.
THE LAZY
Oh yes, fabulous, no effort required sex.
THE AFTERNOON DELIGHT
You’ve found a moment and the naughtiness of that quick escape leads to a super quick orgasm, often in a work break or when you’ve distracted the kids with a movie and popcorn. Always brings you closer together and you’ll share love eyes with each other into the evening.
THE BEND ME OVER THE HOOD OF THE CAR IN THE RAIN LIKE I’M IN A MOVIE
Okay, so I haven’t had this one, but dreams are free. I know someone who has, so it does happen.
And last but not least,
THE ENERGISER BUNNY
Oh dear. Tiring. Exhausting. We ain’t 20 anymore and would you just stop already. You’ve missed the most important part of sex which is the end game. Much to learn young jedi, much to learn.
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